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kids learn about Honesty and Fairness
Simply put, honesty means being truthful with ourselves and with others. It means caring enough about others not to mislead them for personal benefit. It means facing up to our mistakes, even when we have to admit them to others or when they may get us into trouble. Fairness means acting in a just way and making decisions, especially important ones, on the basis of evidence rather than prejudice. It means "playing by the rules" and standing up for the right of everyone to be treated equally and honestly.
To understand the importance of being honest and fair,children need to learn that living together in a family, community or even a nation depends on mutual trust. Without honesty and fairness, trusting each other becomes very difficult, and families--and societies--fall apart.
Words of caution:
There is a big difference between being dishonest--lying or cheating-- and "making things up," as children often do in fantasy play. If children are taught that not telling the truth is "a bad thing," some young children might assume that it is also a bad thing to pretend to be a princess or an astronaut. Although you should discourage your child from deliberately lying and cheating, you should also let him know that it is fine to role play and pretend.
What You Can Do Be a model of honest relations with others. Discuss with your child what honesty is and is not. Point out, for example, that being honest doesn't mean telling someone you think he looks ugly. Kindness goes along with honesty. Discuss fairness (chances are that your child will bring it up) in different situations. For example, how do we show fairness in our family?
What does fairness mean to the community? What were standards of fairness in the past? Talk about how you try to be fair in your life and work. What issues of justice have you wrestled with? Your adolescent will be particularly interested in talking with you about these things. |
IS IT OKAY TO SPOIL YOUR KIDS? By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
None of us want ?spoiled? kids - kids who are bratty, self-centered, demanding, inconsiderate. So, what spoils children and what doesn?t?
When I was raising my children, I was often told that I would spoil them if I didn?t let them cry - if I held them a lot. Fortunately, I didn?t believe this nonsense.
You can?t spoil a child with love. Children need love as much as they need food and water. The problem is in defining ?love.?
We are not giving love to our children when we give them everything they want on the material level. Parents often think they are loving their children when they pile them up with all the toys or activities they desire, but what is the actual result of indulging our children in this way?
There are three big negative consequence of ?spoiling? our children on the material level:
1) It fosters addictive behavior - filling up from the outside with things and activities rather than filling up from the inside through caring and creativity. Too many adults are addicted to spending or other activities to fill up their emptiness. If they are stressed, instead of dealing with the source of their stress - which is generally some way they are not taking care of themselves - they cover their feelings with some addictive behavior such as spending, TV, food, alcohol, and so on. When we offer our children too many toys, too many activities, too much comfort food, or allow too much TV, we are not loving them. We are training them to be addicted.
2) Often parents provide things and activities for their children while denying their own needs. It?s not loving to children to give in to their every demand, especially if it means putting yourself aside. When you constantly give in to your children and deny your own needs, children learn that it?s okay to disregard others needs and be demanding brats. Children may not learn to consider others if you do not expect them to consider you by considering yourself. They will learn to treat you the way you treat yourself, so it is not loving to your children to disregard yourself. When you disrespect yourself, you teach your children to be disrespectful.
3) One of the big issues in our society is that children learn to identify their self-worth with others? approval for how they look, how many toys they have, how expensive their clothes are. Unless parents show their children that they value them for their inner qualities - their caring, creativity, compassion, laughter, joy, passion for life - rather than for their looks, possessions and performance, children learn to attach their self-worth to other?s approval. True self-worth comes from inside, from knowing we are valuable for who we are, not for how we look or what we do. Unfortunately, our materialistic society fosters attaching self-worth and lovability to others? approval for things such as a car or a house or clothes. When we ?spoil? our children with material possessions, we foster co-dependency, which is dependency on others? approval for our sense of worth.
We can spoil our children with material things, but we can?t spoil them with love. Love is the energy of acceptance for who the child really is. Love is understanding, compassion, caring. You are loving your children when you spend time just being with them, hanging out with them, being fully present with them, really listening to them. The greatest gift you can give to your children is to value them for who they really are on the inside. This is love, and nothing material can ever replace it.
As we move into the holidays, you might want to examine the values and expectations you are imparting to your children. Perhaps instead of all the money being spent on presents for your children, the whole family could participate in buying clothing and food for those who are in need. Imagine the real gift you could give your children if Thanksgiving, Christmas and Chanukah were times of true service in addition to feasting and sharing gifts with each other. Rather than ?spoiling? our children by giving them too much, why not enhance their self-worth by providing them opportunities to be giving, caring human beings?
About the author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or margaret@innerbonding.com. |
